We don’t talk much about darkness in churchy circles. Not inner darkness, anyway.
Among more charismatic Christians there is talk of spiritual darkness as it relates to evil, and more specifically, the evil one. I’ve heard friends go on and on about “spiritual warfare”, which I believe (1) is very real, and (2) we know very little about. That’s not the kind of darkness I’m talking about, though.
I’m talking about inner darkness, the darkness I find within myself. Not my sin or my doubt—something more mystical, and consequently, more difficult to nail down than that. I’m talking about the darkness I feel, the darkness I experience. It’s the darkness that falls over me when I feel I can’t pray any more. Not just that I don’t want to, but that I can’t. The darkness I feel when, still certain that there is a God, I am uncertain that I fit so well with his plans. Any of them. The darkness that takes shape in the formlessness of apathy and anger. The darkness that haunts.
I feel this darkness now. It is what has kept me from writing for weeks. I just haven’t felt up to it. But, as I said in my last post, this is one of those times when I should be writing, not because I’m about to hit you with some incredible wisdom that will carry you through your next period of darkness—I’m not—but because darkness is real and we should talk about it and write about it and move away from the two-dimensional version of happy-go-lucky Christianity that so many believe to be the truth.
The truth, and I tell you this as a friend, is that there are dark places in this world and dark places in your heart and if you go poking around for spiritual truth, the real stuff, you’re going to stumble into both kinds of darkness. No trite encouragement to press on or keep your chin up is going to do much good then because these kinds of counsel lose their punch in the face of real darkness. No, you will have to sod through it like the rest of us do—sometimes barely moving, pushing forward but feeling like you’re slipping backwards, exhausted and constantly wondering if it’s really worth it.
They don’t teach you that in Sunday school. They don’t even teach you that in most true Bible studies. We like to accentuate the positive. We don’t like the negative so much, even if it’s true.
But there’s the truth of it, there’s where I am: in a dark place, struggling to make it, plodding forward, I think, but not really sure. I could me moving to the side. I might be falling backward. Hell, some days I don’t even feel my legs.
Hey Adam. It’s hard to know exactly what you are feeling and experiencing, but what you describe actually does sound very much like spiritual warfare - the type that occurs when evil forces attack you with despair and maybe even shame or guilt, not over what we’ve done, but simply who we know ourselves to be.
We’re not talking about sins, this can come from a greater realization of sin - the basic nature that defines us as fallen human beings.
Again, I’m not trying to speak for you. I may be totally off the mark here. You know better than I.
But I know this is what I have dealt with many times, and this is why one the verses that has become one of the most important to me personally is Romans 8:1-2:
“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.”
“No condemnation” is a promise and encouragement that has lifted me through dark times as I’ve struggled the grasp the depth of that simple statement.
And Paul is not just talking about our position before Christ. He was talking about a real struggle he could feel inside him. One might even call it “darkness”. We know this because Romans 8:1-2 immediately follows Romans 7:22-25:
“For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.”
Paul felt the struggle, the darkness waging war inside him, and it was the truth that he knew he stood forgiven and not condemned before Christ that drew him out of despairing his situation. I think it also caused him to more fully anticipate freedom from this physical world, and why did not not fear that.
I don’t know if this helps you, but it has helped me. If nothing else, I will sincerely pray that you find the root cause of the darkness you feel, and that you find the real answers in the person and hope of Christ.
left by jebbarr on 04.26.2007 at 11:25 am