I’m still here. Sort of.
When I was in school learning how to me a minister, I heard the phrase “crisis of faith” from time to time and never really understood what it meant. Never, until just recently. I though maybe it was a “I don’t know if I still believe in God” kind of thing, and I suppose it could be, though that’s not my experience. No, my experience is harder.
I have found some of the core things I believe shaken in the last few weeks, and not necessarily in a bad way. For example, I’ve come to understand that the main thing I have always sought from God is absolution. I just don’t want to feel guilty any more. Not surprising when you take into account my fundamentalist roots. While not all fundamentalists thrive on legalism and shame, a great many tend to err in this direction.
Yes, frightening to think that anyone would actually believe that fear is the best marketing tool for peddling the love of God.
I grew up always afraid of disappointing God or doing something that put me outside the graces of the church. Going into ministry was supposed to solve this, but it only exaggerated it. Ministers are more under the microscope than anyone else. So much for that.
Point is, I’ve come to understand that I have been seeking, with all my heart at times, absolution—freedom from guilt and shame. Of course, one of the basic concepts of the Christian faith is grace. This flies in the face of guilt and shame. So then, I’ve been seeking something there is no need to seek. Nice.
I’ve based so much of my internal faith life around my quest for absolution, I don’t even know how to approach God or church or ministry outside the context of this quest. That’s a crisis of faith. I’m kind of rebuilding from the ground up.
Fun stuff, huh?
Oh, and yeah, I know I haven’t been writing like I said I would, and you are right to hold me accountable about that. I’ll do better, I promise.
It seems to me that the problem isn’t seeking absolution (one of the core reasons we do come to Jesus), but to seek absolution apart from Jesus. For me, the crisis came when I realized that following the law couldn’t save me, that I couldn’t save myself, that I couldn’t be “good enough” for God. As Paul says, the law’s purpose is to give me an awareness of my sin (call it guilt or shame) and Christ’s purpose (in part) in to take that guilt and shame away. It isn’t that the law isn’t good or that guilt and shame are bad, but that all are meant to lead me to Christ.
I see you leaning on Christ for Christ’s sake and His glory, and that can be a crisis, but a good one. It’s the beginning of the end of self-consciousness, which is another key element of following Christ. Like when we learn that prayer isn’t about trying to get God to pay attention to us, but about taking time to pay attention to Him.
Love you. Praying for you.
left by Kester on 06.16.2007 at 1:43 pm