If you’re one of the few who could be considered a regular reader of my blog, you may have wondered what’s been going on here lately. I’ve been considerably less verbose than usual. Well, I’ve been thinking.
One of my favorite books is The Good Apprentice by Iris Murdoch. It is the story of two brothers who, for very different reasons and in very different ways, set out to discover what it is to be good. Each arrives a his own conclusion through missteps, confusion, despair and unexpected success. I’ve read several of Murdoch’s incredible books and I believe this to be her at her best.
In a way, I’ve been trying to discover what it is to be good, as well. I wrote several weeks ago about the crisis of faith I’ve been sloshing through, and this has been the nature of my journey lately—like pushing through a muddy field, the clay-like goo caking my legs up to my thighs.
My conclusion is painfully simply and will frustrate those who, like me, are somewhat put off by anything that sounds like mindless fundamentalism. But truth is truth and I cannot avoid this. The only way to be good or to encounter goodness is through God, quite simply because God is good and there is nothing good apart from him.
I don’t mean to suggest that one has to acknowledge God’s goodness to experience it. On the contrary, the entire world could not contain all of God’s goodness. His goodness seeps into every corner, contaminates even the most horrible places and taints even the hardest of hearts. I only me to acknowledge the source of goodness, which is also the source of healing, wholeness, purpose and life.
Throughout my stubbornly independent life, I have made attempt after attempt to be good or to experience goodness on my own, sometimes even feigning piety as a front when I was really just as devoted to my own independence as I have ever been. It comes (again) to this: I need God. I need him because he is good and only through him, only in him can I experience any goodness, any healing, and purpose.
I know—I sound like a broken record. How many times have I written the very same thing before? But I keep forgetting and God has to keep reminding me. I really am kind of slow when it comes to this stuff.
